!!!!NEW BLOG SITE!!!

HI all,

Please update your links, as Lawgirl is moving her blog from Blogspot to Wordpress.  There are just tons more options over on Wordpress.  I'm still working on getting everything figured out, but from now on, posting will happen over there.

Thanks!!!

www.theworldaccordingtolawgirl.wordpress.com

Ummm, Shrilary, haven't you heard worse than this already??

I mean, your husband, under your own roof (so to speak) was playing hide the sausage with another woman.  And yet THIS is too much to take????

By BETH FOUHY, Associated Press Writer2 hours, 44 minutes ago

A distasteful comment about Chelsea Clinton by an MSNBC anchor could imperil Hillary Rodham Clinton's participation in future presidential debates on the network, a Clinton spokesman said.

In a conference call with reporters, Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson on Friday excoriated MSNBC's David Shuster for suggesting the Clinton campaign had "pimped out" 27-year old Chelsea by having her place phone calls to celebrities and Democratic Party "superdelegates" on her mother's behalf.

Wolfson called Shuster's comment "beneath contempt" and disgusting.

"I, at this point, can't envision a scenario where we would continue to engage in debates on that network," he added.

MSNBC said Shuster, who apologized on the air for his comment, has been temporarily suspended from appearing on all NBC news broadcasts except to offer his apology.

"NBC News takes these matters seriously, and offers our sincere regrets to the Clintons for the remarks," MSNBC spokesman Jeremy Gaines said, adding the network was hopeful the debate would take place as planned.

Clinton and Obama are scheduled to participate in an MSNBC debate Feb. 26 from Ohio, which holds its primary March 4. The Clinton campaign has pushed hard for as many debates as possible with Obama, but Wolfson said the Feb. 26 debate could be jeopardized.

Wolfson pointed to what he called a pattern of tasteless comments by MSNBC anchors about the Clinton campaign. Weeks ago, "Hardball" host Chris Matthews apologized to the former first lady after suggesting her political career had been made possible by her husband's philandering.

Shuster told The Associated Press he has tried to reach Clinton to apologize.

Bill Burton, a spokesman for Obama, called Shuster's comments "deplorable" and said they had no place in the political process. (OMG,of COURSE they are part of the process.  Isn't that what politics is about, proving that you're the lesser of the evils? Exposing your opponents' weaknesses, in any possible way????)

Superdelegates are elected officials and other members of the Democratic National Committee who serve as upledged delegates to the party's convention. They're expected to play an important role in selecting the party's nominee if the delegate contest between Clinton and Barack Obama remains close.

News We Can ALL Use

Delaware County man indicted in abuse of 2-month-old

Friday,  February 8, 2008 2:26 PM

The Columbus Dispatch

DELAWARE, Ohio — A Delaware County grand jury today indicted a man accused of abusing a 2-month-old child left in his care.

Shad Lyons, 33, of 266 Hayes St., Delaware, was charged with one count each of felonious assault and endangering children. Both charges are second-degree felonies, which carry a maximum eight-year prison term and up to a $15,000 fine.

Delaware County sheriff's deputies responded Jan. 25 to a report of a possible child-abuse case at Grady Memorial Hospital, Prosecutor Dave Yost said. When they arrived, they found the infant had five broken ribs and bruises on his body.

Detectives determined that Lyons was the main suspect after talking with the child's parents, who took the baby to the hospital. Lyons is the baby's uncle and was the primary caregiver while the child's parents were at work, Yost said. Authorities suspect Lyons lost his temper and struck the child, injuring him.

The indictment filed yesterday in Common Pleas Court alleges that Lyons abused the baby from Nov. 15 to Jan 25. He is accused of knowingly causing "serious physical harm."

"I guess the message is, babies break," Yost said. "You can't shake them. You can't hit them." (Nooooo, really????? Wow, this is completely new information. Never heard of this before.  What kind of f*cktard doesn't know this????)

I desperately want to send this to two of my old bosses...

The Office: The Bad and the Ugly

by Leigh Buchanan
Wednesday, January 30, 2008provided by

There's a reason Dilbert, The Office, and their ilk are so popular. Satire gets old fast, but the appeal of realism endures. And the real world, sadly, is full of lousy bosses. Someone ought to do a study on where these louts come from. Were they abused by their own bosses? Did they toss overboard the ballast of human kindness to hasten the ascent of their career balloons? Or is this an example of absolute power corrupting absolutely? Such research might also demonstrate how ubiquitous miserable managers are. The proliferation of boss-bashing screeds with titles like When You Work for a Bully, Nasty Bosses, and How To Work for an Idiot suggests a plague.

A few months ago I enumerated five ways in which bosses could be great. A bookend column about bad bosses would never fit in this space, because while goodness tends to be monochromatic, badness comes in every color of the rainbow. But bad bosses of all stripes evoke similar responses in employees; consequently, you can often tell that people hate you, even if you're not sure why.Inc. readers, of course, are all purebreds among top dogs. But on the off chance that a misfit manager stumbles across this page, here are seven signs that you are a bad boss:

1. The staff has developed guidelines for dealing with you and quietly passes them to new employees. "Never suggest that there might be another way of doing something," they might say. Or "Act self-deprecating so he doesn't feel threatened."

2. You have one or two fanatical acolytes. Yes, such devotion may be a testament to your fabulousness. But often when a boss is perceived as universally loathed, the staff opportunist offers herself up as sole confidante and friend, seeking power and favor at the expense of more honest, critical employees.

3. You never see people walk by. Employees would rather circumnavigate the entire office to get to the coffee machine or bathroom than take the shortcut past your door and risk being invited in.

4. Your 360-degree evaluations come back short and full of generically positive comments, with one very mild criticism ("Sometimes she works too damn hard for her own good") thrown in for credibility's sake.

5. People don't volunteer for your pet projects. The idea sucks, and they're afraid to tell you, or it's brilliant, but the consequences for letting you down are too terrible to imagine. And, of course, if it's your pet project, you'll probably work on it as well. Which means more time spent...gulp...with you.

6. You have legions of former employees, but they rarely give your name as a reference for new jobs. Either they don't trust you to give them their due, or they worry that because they were so miserable working for you, your recollections will also be dismal.

7. You have legions of former employees, period. If your staff falls away like linty Post-it notes, ask yourself: Is high turnover the problem? Or am I?

Copyrighted, Mansueto Ventures LLC. All rights reserved.

Almost forgot....

And he made me a CD of music, as we both love a lot of the same artists. Isn't that sweet?

/blushes

Ahhhh, bliss

Had a date with The Professor tonight. We went out for Indian food and then went to look for the live music. Turns out the website was incorrect and there wasn't any live music at the location. So, instead we went to see a movie. We chose I Am Legend.

We had time to kill before the 10pm showing, so we went to the bookstore nearby and settled in and read some. There are a TON o' books by my favorite authors out, so I will have to make a list and purchase them from Amazon. Then we headed over to the movie. At first we were the only two in the theater, but another couple joined us right after the previews.

I Am Legend is based on a novel by Richard Matheson, and apparently has been made into a movie several times. You can read the plot here. I really enjoyed the film; thought that Will Smith did a great job and have to say, jumped out of my seat many times. The Professor enjoyed me holding his hand, jumping here and there, and snuggling up to him when the scenes were getting tense.

Afterward, we came back to my place and chatted and cuddled for about an hour. He then left, and here you have me.

Yes, I really like him. We had discussed him coming to Pittsburgh with me next week, however we both agreed that was taking things a little too fast. We are taking our time, getting to know each other. I do enjoy his intelligence and wit. He likes to tease me, which makes me laugh. And he always holds my hand in public.

RBoC

• Busy, busy week. I worked 10 hours yesterday, plus a business dinner. Then I worked 13 hours today. But the hard work is paying off. BossLady mentioned to me that while she's on vacation at the end of next month, she would like to leave me in charge. She knows that might ruffle one co-worker's feathers (who has been there for 7 years), but she said that she would deal with it. It means so much to me that she appreciates my work and trusts me so much.
• The Professor and I have a date tomorrow night. :-) We're going to hear some live music. I told Coach about The Professor and he expressed his jealousy. He said, at least I'm ahead 37 to 0. I had to laugh on that one.
  
• The Professor didn't want to meet up tonight because Super Tuesday is kind of like his Superbowl. I thought that was adorable and told him to enjoy.
  
• Mr. NotRight doesn't understand how I can be dating The Professor and yet come to poker night with him and his friends. I said, um, it's called having friends and trusting each other. He doesn't get it. Ummm, that could be why you're still single.

Okay, will post more soon, but too tired. Good night!!

Another great forward from Cinbad - Lawgirl is a Pisces

 
 ARIES - The Aggressive
 
 Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent
 kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very
 important to an aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving.
 Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be "Right". Aries will argue
 to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most
 wonderful people in the world.
 
 
 
 TAURUS - The Tramp
 
 Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight.
 Fight for what they want. Independent but needs love and attention.
 Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good
 kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self
 centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it.
 They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess
 with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
 
 
 
 GEMINI - The Twin
 
 Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing
 people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's
 will not take any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what
 they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing
 things and are forgetful. Gemini's can be very sarcastic and childish
 at times, and are very nosey.
 Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY
 FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong.
 THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
 
 
 
 CANCER - The Beauty
 
 MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a
 kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your
 life. Entirely creative Person, most's are artists and insane
 respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely
 random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of
 the party. Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their
 hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a
 passion beyond compare
 Spontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes
 down to it. Someone you should hold on to!
 
 
 
 LEO - The Lion
 
 Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but
 when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A leo's problem becomes
 everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be
 monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything.
 Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive.
 Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not
 one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found
 
 
 
 VIRGO - The One that Waits
 
 Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants
 the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything
 you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take
 chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they
 know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will
 quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards
 them and never regain respect. The do not forgive and never forgetThe
 one and only
 
 
 
 LIBRA - The Lame One
 
 Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun
 and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever
 meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you
 might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can
 prevent. faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years.
 Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and
 are extreme sports fanatics. Kinda dumb at times.
 
 
 
 SCORPIO - The Addict
 
 EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try
 almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable.
 GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in
 long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the
 extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it
 but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones.
 HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend,
 the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.
 
 
 
 SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
 
 Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being
 in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time.
 Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay
 FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever.
 Loves deeply but at times will not show it feels it is a sign of
 weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person.
 Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can be childish often.
 Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone
 they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own
 unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in
 bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end
 up crying.
 
 
 CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
 
 Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and
 annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find
 a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud,
 understanding and sweet.
 Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always
 gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs
 especially Gemini's in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out
 to eat at good restaurants.
 Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
 
 
 
 AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
 
 Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in
 long-term relationships. Can be clumbsy at times but tries hard. Will
 take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy,
 and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when their not
 sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their
 familiy. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or
 tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a
 Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
 
 
 PISCES - The Partner for Life
 
 Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and
 irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good
 to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be
 around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals.
 VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do
 the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They
 sometimes et used by others and hurt because of their trusting.
 Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful.
 Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly,
 fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they
 allow their friends to be.

And yet another wonderful date with The Professor

I know, you're already tired of hearing about my sweet new love life.  Well, dating life, anyway.

The Professor arrived at the appointed meeting place at 1pm.  We went in search of Blade Runner, which has been re-released for the 25th anniversary. I had never seen this before and it's a favorite of The Professor's, so I had already looked it up and saw that it was showing at the Arena Grand.  We get there and park and go in...to find out that I was wrong.  It's not at the Arena Grand, it's at the Gateway.  Oh well.  So we head on down there, and settle in with plenty of time to see the show.  I thought it was a pretty good flick, but want to digest it before I discuss it more.

After the movie, I took him to Whole Foods for dinner.  He had not been to one before and really loved it.  Then we went back to my place to just talk and....well, there was definitely more making out.  /blushes.  We definitely have the chemistry that Mr. NotRight and I were missing.  We spent a couple of hours here and then I drove him back to his car.  All in all, an 8 hour date. 

I really like him.  He seems to really like me.  He's smart, funny, and cute.  I'm sure I'll f*ck it up some how.

Lol. 

Oh, and I had told him about SwapGirl's request for ibuprofen.  He told me that I should call her and ask her where the missing screw is to the paper towel holder.  Silly man.

Okay, I'm torn...

because I am a habitual speeder and so yes, I break state law every day. That being said....this disturbs me quite a bit.

Bars slow to snuff smoking

15 county establishments cited in law's 9 months

Sunday, February 3, 2008 3:46 AM

By Matthew Marx

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

JAMES D. DeCAMPDISPATCH

A woman takes a puff from a cigarette while sitting at the bar at Zeno's, 384 W. 3rd Ave. The bar has been cited three times for allowing smoking.

If no one had ever complained about smoking at the Oakland Park Bar & Grill, city health inspectors wouldn't have dropped in Thursday night.

But someone had reported the North Linden bar, so investigators walked inside and saw six patrons -- half the clientele -- puffing away as if Ohio's public smoking ban didn't exist.

Columbus health investigator Calvin Collins politely introduced himself to the bartender and advised her to expect a warning letter within 30 days. Because it was the bar's first offense under the new state law, the owners won't be fined, Collins said.

And then he left. No one was told to "cancel the cancer stick" or finish smoking in the parking lot, where outdoor temperatures straddled the freezing point.

"We can't make them stop," Collins said. "We're not police.

"But if we continue to get complaints about them, we'll return."

And sometimes they do return. But because inspectors have to catch someone with a lighted cigarette, the fines are few. In fact, since the state smoking ban went into effect last spring, only 1 percent of complaints have resulted in a fine. During six stops made around town Thursday night, Collins and other investigators found violations at two bars.

One was the Oakland Park Bar & Grill, 1427 Oakland Park Ave. Collins said he had cited the business once before, but that was under the old Columbus smoking ban, which was nullified by the state law.

The other on Thursday was Brew-Stirs, 6118 Busch Blvd., at the Continent. The bar will receive a warning letter because the tent over its patio where smoking was permitted had two walls too many to meet the state's definition of "outdoors," Collins said.

But unlike the Oakland Park Bar, no one was smoking indoors, as the complaint had alleged.

Since the statewide ban took effect nine months ago today, the Columbus and Franklin County health departments have received 1,280 complaints about smokers lighting up in offices and businesses.

But so far, only 15 establishments have been assessed fines -- most of the $100 variety for being caught twice. And of the 15, only two neighborhood bars -- Zeno's in Victorian Village and the Groveport Lounge in Groveport -- have received $500 fines for a third citation.

It's not unusual that the total of 1,280 complaints include some for the same establishments.

"There might be a bar where only one outsider doesn't like the smoke. That one person can generate a lot of calls," said John Richter of Columbus Public Health.

Also, investigators must wait at least 30 days to return to a bar unless they get a separate complaint about it. That gives the business a month to appeal the citation.

During the day, Collins visits offices; nights are saved for bars, restaurants and hotels.

At Zeno's, 384 W. 3rd Ave., or the Groveport Lounge, 296 Main St., Groveport, the next violation, which would be either establishment's fourth, would cost the owner an additional $1,000.

Smoking appeared to be welcome inside both businesses in recent weeks. At the Groveport Lounge, a truck driver quickly put out his cigarette and waved at the fumes in the air when a stranger walked in around midnight. Others walked out to the parking lot to smoke.

Groveport Lounge owner Phil Riner said he sometimes has to make an "economic decision" to let his regulars smoke or risk losing all of his business.

"If I operated by state law, I'd really be killed," Riner said. (Really??? But what if the issue were underage drinking?)

Inside Zeno's last week, three men hunched side-by-side on barstools, puffing away on a cigar, a pipe and a cigarette. A fourth man smoked a cigarette while he played a video arcade game.

Calls to Zeno's owner Dick Allen last week weren't returned.

As of last week, Columbus Public Health had fielded 825 complaints since May, resulting in fines against eight bars and one private club, officials said.

The Franklin County Health Department had fielded 455 complaints in the same period, spokeswoman Mitzi Kline said. Those investigations resulted in fines for four bars and two VFW posts through January.

The law makes no sense to at least one patron who wouldn't give his name recently at the Stop 40 Lounge in Whitehall, especially when temperatures drop into single digits and smokers huddle outside.

"If someone dies of pneumonia, can we sue?" (No, because it is YOUR choice to continue to smoke and you know the rules of smoking now. Plus, you are the one making your lungs more susceptible to things like pneumonia by smoking, not cold weather.)

Wonderful night

The Professor called just around noon and asked if I wanted to do something today. He just arrived back into town (well, his town, as he lives about 45 minutes away). So I drove to his town and we saw Atonement and then went to dinner. Atonement was fabulous; wonderful acting, beautiful visuals....and again, adult fairy tales don't always have a happy ending. I would like to get the book and read it.

The Professor is the one who introduced me to Indian food and I love it. Tonight we went to a Vietnamese restaurant. I couldn't tell you why, but I just wasn't into this food. It was too....sweet or something. Just not as good. But still, good company.

Afterward, we sat in his car for 1.5 hours, talking and kissing. It was our first kiss, as he didn't kiss me on the first date. It was very nice and we would makeout for awhile, then talk, and then makeout some more and then talk.

We talked about getting together sometime this coming week (he's retired from being a fireman and EMT, so his schedule is open), but decided to see each other again Sunday (today) instead. So we're meeting in the afternoon here in Cbus and then will decide what to do from there.

Oh, and Mr. Possibility...after all of his promises, never heard from him again this week. Oh well.

Love/Hate Relationship with SwapGirl

Love her...

In that she asked me if I wanted to sell her my couch and chair. Now, I do love my couch and chair, but they are....at least 8 years old and it's not like they were the best furniture that money could buy. So I debated and finally said, if you pack up all of my stuff and neatly label it and tape it for the movers, then you can have the couch and chair.

This way, I don't have to take time off of work to go up to Cleveland and pack. It will be done and over with. Yay!!!

but hate her...

When she does something stupid like this: She not only left me a vm tonight but also texted me, asking if I had left any ibuprofen in the house. Ummm, let's examine the facts before us, shall we?

1. I am not your mother
2. I am not your mother
3. There are stores that sell such things
4. You've lived there for 2 months...if I had left ibuprofen, you would have seen it.

What a moron.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If

~ Rita Mae Brown

As promised to IowaGurl, a post on mental illness and my experiences with it.

Monday, the 28th, would have been my nephew's 27th birthday. He committed suicide in April of 2005. He is one of three people in my life whom have been formally diagnosed as bipolar, although sometimes I think that, too, has become a blanket diagnosis, such as with autism and ADD.

From the time he was a small boy, D was intense, smart, and delightful. He was everyone's favorite child/nephew/grandchild, whether or not anyone would admit that. He and I shared physical characteristics and mannerisms: naturally curly hair, green eyes, the way we would move our hands when we spoke, and an interest in men. Yes, from the time he was about 8, I knew that D was gay.

We also shared the fact that we were both survivors of my father's pedophilia. And, as such, we were both cutters. Many people who have suffered sexual abuse do cut themselves and neither of us were any different. I can't tell you his own reasons for cutting - we never discussed it - but I can tell you mine.

When you are sexually abused, your body maneuvers to assist you in dealing with such an invasion - both mentally and physically. For me, it was both a way to release the pain that I was feeling but could not verbalize as well as a way to feel something again. My own mind and body took care of me - in that it numbed me to the stress of what was happening. I would take scissors and make shallow cuts up and down my arms. And I would feel better...though I knew it was a cry for help.

D did more than shallow cuts - he actually cut out chunks of skin, bleeding and bleeding, trying to be rid of his demons. He would wear long sleeves and pants to cover the evidence, but I have heard that the scars were pretty bad. I never looked; I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. I had gone to my own therapy and had tried to heal and move on. To have to deal with his and my niece's revelations of abuse was to venture back down a road I had blocked for myself.

D was 16 when he was diagnosed as bipolar. He attempted suicide many times over the next 8 years. Most were overdoses of drugs - he wouldn't take his prescribed drugs on a regular basis. He would save them up and then take them all. Then he would either go to his mom (Sis1) or she would find him and realize what was going on and he would obediently go to the hospital. He never fought going to the hospital; he would submit to the stomach-pumping and the psychological tests and the inevitable 3 day stay.

As time went on, we all became frustrated with these attempts at suicide. I wanted to shake him. I was so angry at him for messing everything up all of the time. Any time my sister and her husband wanted to take a trip or anything, he pulled the suicide act. And I thought that there was something wrong with their parenting. How could they put up with this? Why didn't they just tell him to stop it?

I had my own history of suicidal thoughts; I doubt you can go through sexual abuse and not have them. When the two people in the world who are supposed to love you more than anything, who are supposed to give their lives for you if necessary, are the people who violate you, you lose hope.

How can you trust anyone? You can't fix what happened to you and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Many times, I thought of suicide, so that I could end the pain I was feeling. However, I never actually went as far as planning it. Just the idea that I could do it was comfort enough for me. I would feel so much better after I would make the decision to go ahead and kill myself. It was a relief, really, to finally have a solution.

For D, it seemed to be an insistent cry for help, help that was given over and over....to a degree. Insurance will only pay for a 3 day stay or so. The doctors wouldn't keep him in there because of that. I don't know that they even thought of offering my sister and her husband the option of a private hospital, to pay for it out of their own pocket.

After awhile, D was the Boy Who Cried Suicide. The second to last time he attempted was a big one. He ended up in the hospital for weeks, as his liver and kidneys shut down. He lied to the doctors, told them that he hadn't done anything. They blamed his cholesterol medicine (he was never overweight at all - if anything, too thin for a long time, but he smoked and drank heavily.)

However, after several rounds of dialysis, his kidneys powered back up and he was released. He finally admitted that he had overdosed again. That was in September of 2004. In March of 2005, my sister and her husband were to go to Italy on a cruise for spring break. D once again od'd and the trip was canceled. And I was angry at him. I was so tired of this game, of what I thought was a game, just him wanting attention.

On April 14, 2005, I returned home from work. My mobile phone rang and I didn't get it in time before voicemail. I picked up the message, which was my sister asking me to please call her. She sounded upset, but was coherent. I called her back and she burst out with the fact that D was dead. I said, our brother or your son (they have the same name)? She said, my son.

I was shocked. I never thought that it could actually happen. I thought that he just wanted attention and would never actually go through with it, as he always used drugs in order to attempt and they were always able to pump his stomach and fix it.

My sister asked me to call my mom and tell her, as she just couldn't. My father had passed away only 3 months prior and she knew that this news would be hard on my mom as well. I agreed and made plans to get down to SW Ohio to my sister after picking up my mom in NW Ohio. However, I was afraid that someone would get to my mom first, so I called Bro2 and asked him to go over to our mother's and tell her. And then I called my aunt, my mom's twin, and asked her to go be with my mom. Turns out that Bro2 was unable to tell my mom. He just couldn't do it. So it ended up being my aunt.

I found out later that D had talked to his father at 1pm and been fine. He'd even said, I love you, Dad, and I'll see you tonight. By the time my sister arrived home at 4:30, he was gone. She knew something was wrong, as he was supposed to be at work and his car was out front. She went into the house and called out his name. No answer. Then she went up to his bedroom and found him. No drugs this time. Just a plastic bag over his head, with a belt around his neck to secure it.

She says that she said to him, well, baby, you finally did it. His face was already purple, but she pulled off the bag and called 911 and asked them to talk her through CPR. Nothing could revive him, though.

I had never been to the funeral of someone younger than myself. Funerals are for people who are old, who have hit their expiration dates. People came from all over, including TwinsMom and Wa-Wa. D's teachers from elementary school, from junior high, from high school....his father's company flew in a jet-load of people from the company....the line stretched outside into the parking lot. I wish that people who are contemplating suicide would go to the funeral of someone who has killed themselves, so that they can see what's left, what happens to the people who are still here.

D's sister and brother both got up and spoke about him. How they did it, I will never understand. None of us could speak for my father at his funeral, and we didn't even like him that much. But they were both very brave and talked about their brother with a lot of love. After the funeral, D was cremated and my sister has his ashes. She says that someday, when she's ready to let them go, she will take them to Paris and spread them. She and D had been to Paris when he went to visit them in Germany while they were there for my brother-in-law's company.

Sis1 talked to D's psychologist. He had just seen D that morning and everything seemed well. He said that D was the one that was going to make it, and was completely mystified that he had committed suicide. This is what leads us to think that D might have been schizophrenic instead of or on top of being bipolar. He was so paranoid, as well, although I have learned that bipolars are as well.

D played the roles people wanted to see very well. He was a fantastic liar. He didn't come home for Christmas one year and the family would call him every day and ask how he was and he would say, oh great, just fine. When my niece returned to their place after the holidays, she found that he had not bathed or left the apartment in a week and had lost his job because of it. Yet they never knew that from the conversations that they had with him every day during that week.

I think that he was able to tell everyone what they wanted to hear. I think that's why the psychologist believed that he was improving, when in truth, he was just a step away from death.

This world was too much for D. It was cruel to him on many levels - the sexual abuse and the derision he felt from being gay (thought not from his own family). I have an idea that he was just tired of playing the parts everyone wanted him to play and couldn't keep the smile pasted on any longer.

I'm still really angry with him for doing it. I don't know when that will end. And I am even someone who believes in a person's right to take their own life - it's yours, you can do what you want with it. But when I think of that, I think more of being in Stage 4 cancer and being in horrible pain and ready to let go. D was in pain, I know....

Now, after having lived with a bipolar, I understand that my sister and her hubby did the best that they could. There was nothing that they could change or try. It's a gamble every day, even when they do take their medicine. D would never take his medicine; he didn't like the side effects. Lithium, after 3 years, made him shake and caused him erectile dysfunction. He didn't want to live half a life; he would have hated being in a long-term treatment center, which is probably what it would have taken to keep him from killing himself.

I think I need to end this post.....but I have more to say about mental illness. Will write more about it soon.